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Corona quarantine diary
Auteur du fil: Mervyn Henderson

Zibow Retailleau  Identity Verified
Maurice, république de
Local time: 09:44
anglais vers chinois
+ ...
Sympathy, condolences, sorry for your loss? Jan 13

Pfff, I'm as sympathetic as Drumpf or as a household cat. (Full disclosure: stolen from John Oliver)

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When the pandemic reached a peak in China last year, I was already in Mauritius. If they got sick, should I go back? This was the question haunting me. I consider myself lucky; I've not lost anyone yet. Old or young, sick or healthy, I'm not ready to lose
... See more
Pfff, I'm as sympathetic as Drumpf or as a household cat. (Full disclosure: stolen from John Oliver)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the pandemic reached a peak in China last year, I was already in Mauritius. If they got sick, should I go back? This was the question haunting me. I consider myself lucky; I've not lost anyone yet. Old or young, sick or healthy, I'm not ready to lose anyone. Not now, not like this. So, like it or not, Chris, I am truly sorry to hear about your best friend!
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Mervyn Henderson
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Chris S
expressisverbis
Beatriz Ramírez de Haro
 

Chris S  Identity Verified
Royaume-Uni
suédois vers anglais
+ ...
Sorry Jan 14

Sorry about my last post. It’s kinda put a downer on things. I didn’t mean it to but I should’ve known it would anyway.

Thank you to the rule breakers but we’ve been preparing for this for months really so after the initial shock it’s, well, not a relief exactly but somewhere in that ballpark.

My reason for sharing was just to underline that the relatively small sacrifices we are all making really are justified, and also that we should try to stay positive and
... See more
Sorry about my last post. It’s kinda put a downer on things. I didn’t mean it to but I should’ve known it would anyway.

Thank you to the rule breakers but we’ve been preparing for this for months really so after the initial shock it’s, well, not a relief exactly but somewhere in that ballpark.

My reason for sharing was just to underline that the relatively small sacrifices we are all making really are justified, and also that we should try to stay positive and enjoy life as best we can.

And that’s the end of that.

Come on, Mervyn, tell us a joke.
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Mervyn Henderson
Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
 

Mervyn Henderson  Identity Verified
Espagne
Local time: 07:44
espagnol vers anglais
+ ...
AUTEUR DU FIL
Joke? Jan 14

An Irish bloke walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman pours the pint, and he drinks it down in two or three gulps. The barman comes back along the bar, and says "I see you've an empty glass there. Would you like another one?" And the Irishman says, "Anudder? Now what would oi need two empty glasses for, at all, at all, at all?"

Best I could do off the cuff.


expressisverbis
Zibow Retailleau
Thomas T. Frost
Chris S
P.L.F.Persio
 

expressisverbis
Portugal
Local time: 06:44
Membre (2015)
anglais vers portugais
+ ...
We need to give a loud laugh, that's true Jan 14

A man and his wife decide that they would go on holiday to the same place where they had they're honeymoon 20 years ago.
The wife couldn't make it because she had a problem in her job, so the husband catched the plane and his wife would come in the next day.
When he arrives at the hotel he emails his wife something he had never done before, but he puts the wrong email address and the email gets sent to a woman who was returning from her husband's funeral.
She reads the email
... See more
A man and his wife decide that they would go on holiday to the same place where they had they're honeymoon 20 years ago.
The wife couldn't make it because she had a problem in her job, so the husband catched the plane and his wife would come in the next day.
When he arrives at the hotel he emails his wife something he had never done before, but he puts the wrong email address and the email gets sent to a woman who was returning from her husband's funeral.
She reads the email and in shock she faints. Her son finds her and on the computer the email said.

"Hello my lovely wife,
I'm sending this so you know I arrived well here. Everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow, here they even have computers where you can talk to your loved ones. I'm looking forward to see you.
A kiss from your husband.
P. S.: Don't bring many clothes this is hot as hell here!"
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Thomas T. Frost
Zibow Retailleau
Chris S
Mervyn Henderson
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Brisa Pedroza
Beatriz Ramírez de Haro
 

P.L.F.Persio  Identity Verified
Pays-Bas
Local time: 07:44
Membre (2010)
anglais vers italien
+ ...
Dad's jokes: carrot cake / pub Jan 14

1) A rabbit walks into a bakery and asks: "Hello, do you have carrot cake?" The baker responds: "Well sorry, but I don't have carrot cake." The next day the rabbit comes in again and asks: "Hello, do you have carrot cake?" The baker answered: "I am sorry dear rabbit, I don't have carrot cake." The next day the rabbit comes in again: "Hello mister baker, do you have carrot cake?" The baker answered with a smile on his face: "Oh yes, I do have carrot cake!" The rabbit: "Tastes horrible, doesn't it... See more
1) A rabbit walks into a bakery and asks: "Hello, do you have carrot cake?" The baker responds: "Well sorry, but I don't have carrot cake." The next day the rabbit comes in again and asks: "Hello, do you have carrot cake?" The baker answered: "I am sorry dear rabbit, I don't have carrot cake." The next day the rabbit comes in again: "Hello mister baker, do you have carrot cake?" The baker answered with a smile on his face: "Oh yes, I do have carrot cake!" The rabbit: "Tastes horrible, doesn't it?!"

2) An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over his shoulder, and begins drinking. Then the Irishman picks the fly out of his drink, holds it by its soaked little wings over his glass, and yells, "SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"
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Chris S
Thomas T. Frost
Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
Mervyn Henderson
 

Zibow Retailleau  Identity Verified
Maurice, république de
Local time: 09:44
anglais vers chinois
+ ...
An old man Jan 14

A man in his 80s has a minor heart attack. When he’s discharged the doctor tells him, ‘Rest well, take regular exercise, eat more fruit and vegetables and only one cigar per day.’

One week later, the old man goes back to the hospital for a subsequent visit.

‘How is it going?’ asks the doctor.
‘Fine, fine,’ answers the old man, ‘Everything is fine but it was hard to start smoking at my age.’


Chris S
P.L.F.Persio
Thomas T. Frost
Mervyn Henderson
expressisverbis
 

Thomas T. Frost  Identity Verified
Membre (2014)
danois vers anglais
+ ...
Cigar Jan 14

Zibow Retailleau wrote:

A man in his 80s has a minor heart attack. When he’s discharged the doctor tells him, ‘Rest well, take regular exercise, eat more fruit and vegetables and only one cigar per day.’


I thought he'd eat the cigar.


Zibow Retailleau
P.L.F.Persio
Chris S
expressisverbis
 

Chris S  Identity Verified
Royaume-Uni
suédois vers anglais
+ ...
Pedantics Jan 14

Thomas T. Frost wrote:
I thought he'd eat the cigar.

Me too...

emails his wife something he had never done before


I also thought that would be a certain kind of selfie...

The barman pours the pint, and he drinks it down in two or three gulps


And I wondered why the barman was downing the pint he’d just poured for the Irishman...

Am I just having a pedantically challenged day?

Is this (no offence) what it’s like to be a certain person of this parish?

[Edited at 2021-01-14 14:17 GMT]


Thomas T. Frost
Zibow Retailleau
P.L.F.Persio
expressisverbis
Mervyn Henderson
 

Mervyn Henderson  Identity Verified
Espagne
Local time: 07:44
espagnol vers anglais
+ ...
AUTEUR DU FIL
Pints and their drinkers Jan 14

Yes, the barman/Irishman bit was a little strange, so it was, and I wondered at the time whether to disambiguate before posting, so I did, but I thought, "Nah, nobody will be that pedantic", so it just goes to show, dunnit, that you can't be too careful, so you can't.

But you can't complain about the truckload of jokes you got, so you can't. Or the truckload of pointless and indeed utterly superfluous "so ..." tags here.

...

And, now I'm here, I may as well
... See more
Yes, the barman/Irishman bit was a little strange, so it was, and I wondered at the time whether to disambiguate before posting, so I did, but I thought, "Nah, nobody will be that pedantic", so it just goes to show, dunnit, that you can't be too careful, so you can't.

But you can't complain about the truckload of jokes you got, so you can't. Or the truckload of pointless and indeed utterly superfluous "so ..." tags here.

...

And, now I'm here, I may as well go on, so I may, to ask if anyone has ever heard of a Scrum Master. I am trudging, wading and plodding through one of those consultant jobs with plasticine men and women illustrating PowerPoint slides. You know what they are, don't you? ... No, not the PowerPoint slides, silly, I mean the plasticine men and women. A little plasticine man with glasses and a clipboard next to the words "Quality Control", or a little plasticine man holding a stopwatch next to the word "Deadline". Rather sinister, too, these plasticine people, because they are never wearing any clothes.

Inevitably, these consultants have invented weird and wonderful roles and titles for people, such as Head of Agile, Definition-of-Done Coach, Agile Mentor, and a host of others, a convoluted claptrap too terrible to stay on for long periods at a time, and thus my digression here, because, as I think I've mentioned at some point in the last few months, it is much more taxing to translate meaninglessness, simply because you're always looking for meaning when you read the claptrap back to yourself afterwards, but since there is none to be found in either the source or the translation, this is infinitely frustrating. The only way to deal with it is to engage what I call "automatic pilot", and simply steel yourself to deliberately write out the nonsense, no matter how ridiculous it may seem as you do so, and then read it back to yourself. If it does not mean anything, then you can move on to the next sentence. If it does mean something, then you'd better stop and rectify until it doesn't. This is what consultancy is all about.

But either way, it is dangerous to spend too much time on pondering bollocks such as what the bugger a Scrum Master is about, because just as you think you might have figured out what he does in this consultant's mindwank "scrum", you see the term Scrum of Scrum coming up, presumably with a Scrum of Scrum Master, and then it's time to go out and find somebody or something to kick.
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Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
Chris S
P.L.F.Persio
 

Chris S  Identity Verified
Royaume-Uni
suédois vers anglais
+ ...
Managementspeak Jan 14

Mervyn Henderson wrote:

And, now I'm here, I may as well go on, so I may, to ask if anyone has ever heard of a Scrum Master.


No. And I wish now I hadn't looked it up.

I remember us having a good laugh at a Swede's expense many years ago for talking about a "helicopter view" of the business. That'll be what we call a "bird's eye view", matey, we chuckled, reaching for the red pen.

Turns out, of course, he was ahead of the curve, and helicopter view is now widely used.

We have since taken stock and stepped up to the plate where we smelt the coffee and picked the low-hanging fruits from the high-level learning offered by that particular curve ball.

Anyway, another thing they always say is "never be afraid to make mistakes".

Unless you're a translator.


Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
Mervyn Henderson
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Mervyn Henderson  Identity Verified
Espagne
Local time: 07:44
espagnol vers anglais
+ ...
AUTEUR DU FIL
Stars in their aisles - Part I (yes, I'm afraid so) Jan 14

Now we’re back with a vengeance, with the intriguing titles. “Titles, Mervyn, titles,” the man had said. “If you want to sell, the title has to be an in-your-face gobsmacker, something that makes people want to read on.”

And I had nodded vigorously at him in the bathroom mirror, too. He was right. I was going to call this one “The night I cracked and gave Keira Knightley her marching orders”, but I thought I’d go for the pun on this occasion. I didn’t consult with
... See more
Now we’re back with a vengeance, with the intriguing titles. “Titles, Mervyn, titles,” the man had said. “If you want to sell, the title has to be an in-your-face gobsmacker, something that makes people want to read on.”

And I had nodded vigorously at him in the bathroom mirror, too. He was right. I was going to call this one “The night I cracked and gave Keira Knightley her marching orders”, but I thought I’d go for the pun on this occasion. I didn’t consult with the Punmaster-General beforehand, I’m afraid, so I hope he’ll overlook this rather headstrong but daring initiative.



So, where the bugger was I? Oh yes … went down to the supermarket to put as much distance as possible between me and those Scrum Masters I mentioned earlier. I had just rolled up my trolley to the queue when a woman tapped me on the shoulder. “Excuse me,” she said, “I was just …”

“No,” I sighed. “It’s not me. Please. I just look like him, that’s all. And really, I’ve been signing autographs all day, so now, if you don’t mind …”

“What?” she said, puzzled. “No, I mean …”

“Please, madam. Understand that it’s not always easy being Ryan Gosling. Everyone wants your attention, your time is never really your own, and if you don’t draw a line in the sand every so often, well, people take advantage, what can I say?”

“Ryan Gosling? No,” she said, staring at me quizzically. “It’s not that. It’s just that I was in the queue before you. I had stepped out for two seconds to grab some razors at the checkout stands for my husband, and …”

“ … and you lost your place in the queue, lady,” I rasped. It’s always better to rasp than say in these situations. It’s a kind of spoken spit.

My raised voice had attracted attention, and one of the supervisors came over.

“Everything all right here?” he asked.

“Well,” the old doll said, “I had just left the queue for one second, not even that, half a second, maybe, and then this man jumped it in front of me.” She looked me up and down. “And he says he’s Ryan Gosling, but I know he isn’t, because Ryan Gosling is a much younger American actor, as everyone knows.”

“Madam …” I growled. Yes, growled. It’s when you reach down into your throat and pick it up, and throw it out raw, just like that. “As everyone knows? American? I am Canadian, actually. Actually, I am Canadian. I am actually Canadian. And as for my age … have you never heard of makeup, Madam? I’ve just come off set from a shoot on my next film, where I play a much older man, and I still have my makeup on, so obviously I look older. It’s called “The Girl Who Was Too Beautiful”. Obviously I can’t go into too many details, but I can give you the synopsis:"

"It’s about a young girl," I went on, "played by Anna Kendrick, who is so beautiful that men are afraid of her, and she finds it impossible to have a relationship with anyone. The only man in the entire world who is not afraid of her is a much older man, yes, but a shell of a man haunted, nay, tortured, tortured darkly by the dark ghosts of his dark past, a hopeless alcoholic, the lowest of the low, who has plumbed the very depths of despair, and when they meet it is an encounter that will change their lives forever. Yes, you will notice that I am breathing rather heavily now, Madam, but that is because an actor has to live, to genuinely, utterly and completely live the part, and I believe in the part, and so I am not only playing a role here. No, Madam, I have actually become that man.”

Well, that was enough for the supervisor. He beamed and said: “Good evening, Ryan Gosling, and might I bid you welcome to our humble supermarket, and …” turning to the interfering old cow, “I would ask you, Madam, to leave Ryan Gosling here alone.”

“But he isn’t Ryan Gosling,” she said, “and … Anna Kendrick? Seriously? A pretty little thing, sure, but too beautiful? No. Why, I'd even say she’s plain.”

The man behind her in a green army jacket with some daft badges on the arms, who I assumed was her husband, said: “Hey, sure, no shit, she’s right. This guy ain’t Ryan Gosling. And Kendrick don’t fit the bill. I should know, too.”

“You should know?” I sneered. “And why, pray tell, should you know?”

His face went into a weird scary twist, a kind of smile-plus-grimace, and he pointed at a mole on his upper right cheek. “Are you talkin' to me? Are you talkin' to ME? See this? This mole? Remind you of anyone? I’m saying you ain’t the Gosling, kid, because I’m Robert de Niro, that’s who I am, pal. Robert de Niro.”



“Well,” I thought to myself. “As usual, I’ve bullshitted myself into a corner here, and it’s getting late, so I reckon I’ll just have to say …

TO BE CONTINUED


[Edited at 2021-01-14 19:47 GMT]

[Edited at 2021-01-14 20:05 GMT]
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Zibow Retailleau
P.L.F.Persio
Chris S
expressisverbis
Beatriz Ramírez de Haro
 

Merab Dekano  Identity Verified
Espagne
Membre (2014)
anglais vers espagnol
+ ...
Joke Jan 14

A man lies on his bed, very sick. Suddenly, the Death (with all its standard outfit such as scythe, etc.) walks into the room though the space between the door and the floor. It’s maybe an inch high; a tiny thing, really. When the Death starts walking towards him, the man gets depressed, turns his back to her and waits for the inevitable to happen... However, the tiny Death walks right next to his bed, pays him no attention and continues towards the other side of the room. The man is very scar... See more
A man lies on his bed, very sick. Suddenly, the Death (with all its standard outfit such as scythe, etc.) walks into the room though the space between the door and the floor. It’s maybe an inch high; a tiny thing, really. When the Death starts walking towards him, the man gets depressed, turns his back to her and waits for the inevitable to happen... However, the tiny Death walks right next to his bed, pays him no attention and continues towards the other side of the room. The man is very scared at this point, but at the same time looks a bit surprised. The Death notices the expression on his face and says with somewhat squeaky voice:

- Calm down, man. Not yet. I came for your parrot. Get some sleep.


[Edited at 2021-01-14 21:49 GMT]
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expressisverbis
Mervyn Henderson
P.L.F.Persio
 

Mervyn Henderson  Identity Verified
Espagne
Local time: 07:44
espagnol vers anglais
+ ...
AUTEUR DU FIL
Stars in their aisles (Part II of a necessarily three-part series) Jan 15

“Excuse me, please, please, can everyone calm down?” called the redhead at the checkout, busy swiping bottles and cans at her station.

The guy who said he was Robert de Niro spread his arms, with that kind of mocking smile-grimace thing. Rather effective, in fact. You know, they say he learned how to do that when he was drinking Russian vodka one night in the Bronx with Martin Scorsese. De Niro threw back the shot and, because it was a triple shot, came out of it with a huge win
... See more
“Excuse me, please, please, can everyone calm down?” called the redhead at the checkout, busy swiping bottles and cans at her station.

The guy who said he was Robert de Niro spread his arms, with that kind of mocking smile-grimace thing. Rather effective, in fact. You know, they say he learned how to do that when he was drinking Russian vodka one night in the Bronx with Martin Scorsese. De Niro threw back the shot and, because it was a triple shot, came out of it with a huge wince, with all his forehead wrinkles coming out, and his famous mole even wrinkled too, and Scorsese said, “Hey, shit, Bob, that was so, so good … so raw, so you, so feral - lemme get my camera here, can ya do it again, Bob, sure you can, hey, two triple shots right here, Miss … right, thanks, now do it again, Bob … good, wow, but I’m not getting the whole … you know, hey, please …? another triple shot, Miss … OK, OK, go for it, Robert, do it, Bob … sure you can, you’re Robert de Niro, sure you can, baby … oh yeah, right there, oh right, got it, got it, can that … shit yeah, let’s can that one already, motherfucker motherfuck …” Well, they had to drag him out of there and take him to Mount Sinai and pump his stomach after that, but Scorsese had the take, and it only took De Niro three months watching it to perfect it and reproduce it as his call sign.

“Actually,” said a man with a shock of dyed black hair carrying a bag of Torres oranges (I know I’m not allowed to advertise on site, unless I pay a huge amount of cash, whereupon I can obliterate the entire screen with it if I like, but call this a one-off, will you?).

Torres Oranges. Torres Oranges (and let's not forget those clementines, satsumas, lemons and any kind of citrus, really) are a household name in this country. A citrus that outcitruses all the other citruses. Yes, I know. Just another citrus? Think again. You haven’t actually citrused until you’ve citrused with Torres Oranges. Torres Oranges. When you buy Torres, you know you’re buying quality. A “tower” of quality. Thank you for buying Torres Oranges. Torres Oranges.

Torres liked that when I told them about it, but I also told them it was patented, so they’d have to pay even more to have Julio Iglesias say it even once.

“… actually, that’s not true. He learned to do that with me,” said this bloke.

I shrugged. “What are you talking about? I didn’t even say anything.”

This bloke dropped his bag of Torres oranges. Torres Oranges. You know, you can always tell they’re Torres Oranges. Even by the way they fall on a supermarket floor. They don’t so much fall as enter into a graceful orange plunge, an exciting kind of … OK, so we’ve done that bit … he stood there, and then he kicked those round, plump, lightly sweating Torres Oranges down the aisles one by one …

Torres Oranges. Put them in fruit bowls. Easy-peel them with a sharp knife, four ways. Display them on your table before Il Capo kills your favourite horse and places its dead staring-eye bloody head beside you in your bed in the wee hours. Watch as Il Capo is gunned down buying them in a street market. Torres Oranges. You can be yourself with Torres Oranges. Be you with Torres.

“… and I know,” he said, “because my name is …” He paused for effect. It was a long pause. “Al Pacino. That’s who. Yep. Al. Pacino. AlPa. Famous for adlibbing and overacting. Know what I mean? Know? What? I? Mean?” He came up to me and bared his teeth, threw his arms up in the air, cackled, and put his hands on his hips, kind of bounced his weight up and down from one leg to the other, and dipped his head from side to side as he did so.

“See that?” he shouted. “Did you see and hear that? Did? You? See? And? Hear? That? You try it, asshole, you try that, Mr Ryan Gosling, try that sequence, mister. I did it once in Serpico, when I was just starting out. Round about the same time as Bob here was starting out, too.” He nodded at the other bloke, who spread his hands and said “Hey”. “Minute 67-68. You watch it. Check it out, asshole. Check. It. Out.”

Do you know, I began to get the feeling this story was beginning to run away with me. Again.

...

TO BE CONTINUED

This story was brought to you by Torres Oranges. Remember. If they don't have the distinctive Torres label, they aren't Torres Oranges. Torres Oranges. Be you with Torres.


[Edited at 2021-01-15 07:29 GMT]
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P.L.F.Persio
Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
Beatriz Ramírez de Haro
 

Oliver Pekelharing  Identity Verified
Pays-Bas
Local time: 07:44
néerlandais vers anglais
Laying a pipeline Jan 15

Two Australians/Belgians/[Enter your favourite nationality to piss on here] are hard at work. One of them is digging a ditch while the other follows him and fills it in again. A New Zealander/Dutchman/[Enter your own nationality] walks by and asks them what they are doing. "Well, we're laying a pipeline, but the guy who puts in the pipes is off sick today."

P.L.F.Persio
Chris S
Merab Dekano
Thomas T. Frost
Zibow Retailleau
expressisverbis
Mervyn Henderson
 

P.L.F.Persio  Identity Verified
Pays-Bas
Local time: 07:44
Membre (2010)
anglais vers italien
+ ...
Torres Oranges Jan 15

Well, nice going ars..., I mean Mervyn, now I feel a sudden urge to binge on Torres oranges, which I cannot possibly satisfy here. I'll have to make do with a bunch of orange tulips, very expensive this time of year.

Thanks for nothing.


Zibow Retailleau
Mervyn Henderson
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